Query Entry # 1

Dear Ms. Resciniti:

In sixteen-year-old Brina’s integrated high school, everyone has their place. Humans hang out with humans. Pixies hang out with pixies. And human-pixie hybrid Brina hangs out by herself.

Though humans and pixies generally get along, Brina’s unique heritage is scorned by everyone: from the human pixie-dust addicts she refuses to supply, to the tabloids that have made her infamous nationwide. Brina has accepted that she’ll never blend in. Mostly. But when she’s cast as the weirdo Puck in her school play, Ethan, the charming Midsummer ass, makes her wish that things could be different.

Then pixie-dust traffickers steal her dust and Brina discovers that she’s even stranger – and can make more pixie dust – than anyone suspected. Worse, her startling new abilities herald the end of a vital supernatural secret and open a window of opportunity for a group of ruthless rebels.

Brina just wants to understand who and what she is . . . but the answer will rock the foundations of two races.

I enjoyed your interview on Jamie Ayres’ blog and I love that you’re willing to take your time to help fledgling writers with their queries. I believe that Fans of WINGS by Aprilynne Pike will enjoy the blending of the real and the supernatural in DUSTED, a young adult urban fantasy set in modern day San Antonio. It is complete at 97,000 words.

I’m a third-generation theatre geek with seven years of experience as a criminal defense lawyer, where I’ve learned about the drug trade directly from traffickers and addicts. I’ve published a paper on the juvenile death penalty, but this is my first novel. The death penalty paper was easier.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Robin Weeks

Email: robinweekswriter at gee mail dot com

Blog: www.robinweeks.blogspot.com

Podcast: www.authorsadvisory.blogspot.com

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18 comments on “Query Entry # 1

  1. I really like it, Robin! The only thing that nagged at me was the line, “Then pixie-dust traffickers steal her dust and Brina discovers that she’s even stranger – and can make more pixie dust – than anyone suspected.” Is it the fact that she can make more pixie dust that makes her stranger, or something else? I’m guessing you’re holding this back for suspense purposes, but for some reason I was annoyed, lol.

    Anyway, I still think it’s great. Not that I’m an expert at querying or anything. 🙂

    • That’s the same line that tripped me up. It’s a little confusing, but I love the overall premise of your story. In fact, I think I originally followed your blog (Robin’s not this one) because I saw a pitch posted on a blog or site and liked it. Anyway, it does feel like you’re talking around something with the stranger part, can you just say it?

      Or, maybe say something to the effect of, not only does she feel like an outcast, but now traffickers are trying to steal her pixie dust, and they won’t stop at just that. etc Maybe say what the rebels are trying to do and why to set the stakes up.

  2. I liked this. You set up Brina as an outsider right from the start. The only part that tripped me up was “But when she’s cast as the weirdo Puck in her school play, Ethan, the charming Midsummer ass, makes her wish that things could be different.” That sentence seems out of place for the rest of the novel (the pixie dust trade). Otherwise, I liked this one a lot!

  3. I like the clear-cut “races” that we are working with in this story. Sometimes fantasy worlds can get too convoluted, but the urban fantasy you create is something I can jump into easily.

    “Though humans and pixies generally get along, Brina’s unique heritage is scorned by everyone: from the human pixie-dust addicts she refuses to supply, to the tabloids that have made her infamous nationwide.” This part confused me a little bit. I wasn’t sure how her unique heritage contributed to the pixie dust addict. I gather that her heritage is unique enough to put her in the tabloids, but it took me a bit to come round to that part.

    I really like the final 2 paragraphs as they give me more about what will happen in this story.

    A couple of minor editorial things:

    For your first line: “In sixteen-year-old Brina’s integrated high school, everyone has their place.” I would eliminate “integrated” as your following lines make that concept nicely clear. Also… a common mistake, but “their” should be “his/her” (or just choose one) as “everyone” is singular.

    “Then pixie-dust traffickers steal her dust and Brina discovers that she’s even stranger – and can make more pixie dust – than anyone suspected.” The “can make more pixie dust” doesn’t seem to fit – unless that is the strange part? If so, I might rearrange the wording to say “…discovers she’s even stranger than anyone suspected as she can make more pixie dust, which is uncommon.” Well, I didn’t phrase that last bit very well, but maybe you can see how I mean about explaining after instead of within.

    It takes courage to do this – thank you for sharing!

  4. WOW, I love the premise of the “races” issue in this new way:) And your personality shines through with that last line! I do agree with the suggestions from Kimberly & ProfeJMaire. I can’t wait to read it some day!!

  5. Awesome story idea! My only ‘hiccup’ was calling Puck a weirdo. I always thought Puck was the best part. 🙂 Well done! Hope you get epic requests!

    • Oh, Puck IS the best part–I’d totally want that part. That’s why I gave it to Brina! 😀 She’s just a bit paranoid, so she figures that’s why she got it. Which, really, isn’t that far off.

  6. The death penalty paper was easier—haa! Lmao. The title rocks and I’m always a fan of the fish-out-of-water tales. I think this sounds like fun. I’m really looking forward to reading about your pixies.

  7. Robin, you are the query goddess! I certainly couldn’t have written mine without you. And yours is wonderful. And the story sounds absolutely magical!

    I think the one thing I would change is the order of the sentences in the first paragraph:

    In sixteen-year-old Brina’s integrated high school, humans hang out with humans and pixies hang out with pixies. Everyone has their place — except for human-pixie hybrid Brina. She hangs out by herself.

    It has a more linear flow to it. Anyway, everything else is just grand! I love it!!

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