Query Entry #10

Dear Ms. Resciniti:

Sixteen-year-old Kali Addison remembers a past no one else does. And when nukes destroy everyone’s present, she’d better figure out why before there is no future.

Kali wishes her dad never invented time machines. Maybe then the Protectorate would do their job running the country, rather than playing god. The Ripple Effects they cause by travelling back in time to “fix things”, are getting old. She’s tired of them changing people she loves, or worse, making it as if they never existed. Turns out worrying about it isn’t needed, they’re all incinerated when a bomb drops on her seventeenth birthday party–everyone, that is, but herself and the bad-ass vintage time piece her mom gave her as a present.

Completely alone, and her father’s work in ashes, fate would have it that Kali’s now a freakin’ time machine. Or is it the necklace? She’s too busy being catapulted into the past by a power she has no control over, to think about it. Maybe the strange, but oh-so-cute guy who turns up every time she travels, can help her figure it out. But knowing the truth would mean facing the Protectorate and her own forgotten past. Those obstacles may be a way bigger challenge than she’s ready for. And if so, it’s times up. For everyone.

Mystical, mixes with real life fears of love and loss in this time travel dystopian novel for young adults. RIPPLE EFFECT is complete at 97,000 words, and has series potential.

I am a member of SCBWI and David Farland’s Writers Group. More important, I am a seventeen year old, stuck in a thirty-two year old body, writing books to fill the void.

If you would like to consider RIPPLE EFFECT, I will be more than happy to send you the full manuscript.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Deana Barnhart

deanabarnhart@gmail.com

www.deanabarnhart.blogspot.com

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9 comments on “Query Entry #10

  1. I like that you have a hook, but it sound gimmicky to me. Maybe relate it more towards your main character’s journey? If the nuke has killed everyone, then there is no future, so that sounded out of place. Try to aim your query at hooking an agent’s attention rather than giving too much backstory. Also, for myself, your wordcount gave me pause. It seems high for a first time YA story.

    I like the premise of this and I wish you the best of luck with it!

  2. This is a fascinating concept. It reminds me of a Star Trek Voyager episode I watched recently where these aliens had made a time machine-esque vessel and used it to wipe out an entire race they were warring with, and as a result the captain killed his home planet and family, and spends the next several hundred years destroying various parts of the galaxy in an attempt to change the flow of time and bring things back to the way they were. In the end, only by destroying their own time-machine vessel were they able to do it.

    Erm, anyway, getting off track here. I agree with Kim about the line, “And when nukes destroy everyone’s present, she’d better figure out why before there is no future.” Perhaps rewrite it as, “And when nukes destroy everyone’s present, she must find a way to fix things so that there can be a future.”

    The only other thing I’m wondering about is Kali’s past– you start off by saying she remembers a past that no one else does, and then later on you say that she has to face her own forgotten past. A bit confused about that one point.

    Anyway, this is still a really cool concept. Good luck with this, Deana!

  3. Love the bio point “More important, I am a seventeen year old, stuck in a thirty-two year old body, writing books to fill the void.” Your fun personality shines through.

  4. I totally agree w/ Heidi’s comment! I literally LOL & said to my hubby, “I wish I would’ve thought of that line for my query!” I’m 32 also, but forever 17:) I like your hook and you sum it up nicely. And double kuddos b/c my hubby IS NOT a reader outside of anything but Star Wars books & he said he’d want to read this:)

  5. Adore the idea, but there are a couple of conflicting things. One says she’s the only one who can remember the past, but then she has a forgotten past? And she was given a bad-ass time piece, but then it’s a necklace? Maybe I misread? Anyway, I think I’d ditch the hook and start with the paragraph. Smooth a little and it’s BOO-YAH! 🙂 Nice work!

  6. Interesting. Time travel novels can be hit or miss—but this one sounds awesome! You caught my intention by incorporating so much of your heroine’s voice, and held my interest by ending on a hook. Well done.

  7. I love the premise for this story. Time travel is yummy! So I’d read it, for sure. I think you did a great job of explaining the story and invoking voice. I think the only thing that threw me off was the first line hook, which summarized everything in one line, but then you go back and do it all over again more thoroughly in the rest of the query when it should probably read more linear. Other than that, I think this query is well done!

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