Query Entry #4

Dear Ms. Resciniti,

When sixteen-year-old Emma Hawthorne finds the body of her best friend in the river, her hard-fought control of her empathic ability crumbles. Capable of picking up emotions from other people like a radio signal, she is too damaged to tune out the constant static. Emma wants to move beyond her grief and be free from what everyone else is feeling.

When a stranger’s violent emotions trigger a vision of her friend’s tortured soul, Emma is terrified that the drowning wasn’t an accident – and her friend isn’t resting in peace. Emma confides her fears in her childhood friend, Alex. His ready acceptance of her doubts prompts her to search for answers. But as their friendship kindles into something more, Alex pulls away and she is left with more questions.

Emma’s pursuit of the truth catches the attention of Patrick, a man without emotions. He offers to take away her ability and the pain it causes. Despite Alex’s veiled warnings, and a sense that her friend is trying to tell her something from beyond the grave, Emma is enticed. But when she allows Patrick into her life, she discovers he’s more dangerous than she thought possible. Emma must find the strength to fight the supernatural hold Patrick has on her – not only to give her friend the peace she deserves, but to save her sanity and possibly her soul as well. If she can do that, she might survive long enough to have a future with Alex.

THE ALTERAE is a YA urban fantasy with romantic elements, complete at 64,000 words.

After earning my B.S. in journalism, I followed my husband to Los Angeles. Along the way, I have co-written two independently produced short films and published articles in two weekly newspapers. I am active in several online writing communities and workshops, including AgentQuery Connect and WriteOnCon.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

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7 comments on “Query Entry #4

  1. Wow. This is really good. I would totally ask for more. One thing I would consider is rewriting this sentence, “But when a stranger’s violent emotions triggers a vision of her friend’s tortured soul and Emma is terrified that the drowning wasn’t an accident – and her friend isn’t resting in peace.”

    “But when a stranger’s violent emotions trigger a vision of her friend’s tortured soul, Emma is terrified that the drowning wasn’t an accident– and that her friend isn’t resting in peace.”

    Good luck! 🙂

  2. Great premise! In your first paragraph, I might cut out “Capable of picking up emotions from other people like a radio signal, she is too damaged to tune out the constant static.” entirely because you seem to convey that already with your other sentences.

    “But when a stranger’s violent emotions triggers a vision of her friend’s tortured soul and Emma is terrified that the drowning wasn’t an accident – and her friend isn’t resting in peace.”

    You don’t need an and there. “But when a stranger’s violent emotions triggers a vision of her friend’s tortured soul, Emma is terrified that the drowning wasn’t an accident – and her friend isn’t resting in peace.”

    The rest of your pitch is good, though a bit wordy. See if you can trim it down a bit more to the meat? I think the novel, from what I’ve read, concerns Emma vs Patrick and she risks losing herself if he wins her over. Perhaps concentrate on that rather than giving more backstory than necessary?

    Good luck with this. I’m intrigued!

  3. Great query! I think the other comments are right on – a little judicious pruning down to the main conflict and what’s at stake for her, and BAM! You’ve got a winner! 🙂

    Well done!

  4. The first line of the 1st sentence hooks me right in! But the 2nd part’s a little choppy. I know what you’re trying to say, I just wonder if there’s a more fluid way of saying it. The story sounds like it would be an interesting read. Good luck.

  5. Wow, I love the use of the use of paranormal here in a dangerous relationship. So many teen girls use boys to forget their problems, often with the result of an even larger problem *been there, done that! I want to read it!

  6. I think it sounds great. Maybe condense the first two paragraphs and focus more on the Patrick conflict since that reads as the heart of the story, the main conflict. But even without doing that, this query reads very well and the story is intriguing. Great job!

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