Query Entry #6

Duty – a word most women understand.

Honor – a word men strive to attain.

 What happens when a woman, who is supposed to set the example of the word duty, desires more than the life she was pre-ordained? She falls from grace.

 The Forsaken is a 60,000 word upper YA contemporary paranormal novel. The story follows the tale of Isabella, known as Izzy to her fellow angels, who dared to take up arms in a heavenly war. Her punishment – stripped of her wings she is banished to Earth. Worse, the sisters who joined her mantra of freewill have fallen to Earth also. Tasked with surviving in a realm filled with sin, Izzy becomes the leader of this unlikely, untrained group of six. They literally learn to harness their heavenly voice and sing for their supper by forming a band.

 Nathanel was born a warrior angel but the only way to attain his halo is to marry. As luck has it, his pre-ordained wife is The Forsaken. Determined to change things, Nate takes fate into his own hands and falls to Earth. He gets his hide saved by the most beautiful and unconventional angel he has laid eyes on.

 Sparks fly when Nate and Izzy realize they have been set on the path of self-discovery together. Pre-ordained fate is a passionate thrum Izzy must learn to ignore. Nate quickly discovers honor is useless without the woman he loves by his side and he’s willing to sacrifice it all to prove it. Izzy knows all about heavenly sacrifices. She will not abandon her sisters to the Earthly realm and would rather stake demons than admit she has feeling for her soul-mate. Her pride might be the greatest threat to them all. The Forsaken is the first book in a three part series and the manuscript is complete.

Renee Pace



6 comments on “Query Entry #6

  1. Remember to frame your query as a letter. You need to start off with Dear Ms. Resciniti.

    “Duty – a word most women understand.

    Honor – a word men strive to attain.”

    I’d change the Honor line to “a word most men strive to attain” to set up a mirror effect.

    “What happens when a woman, who is supposed to set the example of the word duty, desires more than the life she was pre-ordained? She falls from grace.”

    I’ve been taught not to include questions such as this in my hook. Instead, draw us into the premise and make it active. “Isabella, known as Izzy to her fellow angels, dared to take up arms in a heavenly war. Now she’s been stripped of her wings and banished to Earth.”

    I’m a fan of angel stories, so I’m intrigued by this, but I’m wondering what the thrust of the story is. Is there an obstacle towards Nate and Izzy getting together? Nate will succeed by marrying, so is the premise that he must convince Izzy to marry him? Or does Nate have another, larger goal to achieve (choosing love over his angelic role)? A bit more clarity might help.

    Good luck with this!

  2. I needed more clarification and a stronger reason to keep reading after the first paragraph, though I liked the mirror image of honor and duty. As far as information, you don’t need to know the group forms a band, but you definitely need to know Izzy’s a fallen angel. I wondered why Nate would have to marry to get his halo, and if it needed to be said in the query anyway. This is an intriguing story idea – get the query boiled down to the main conflict and it should work!

    Good luck!

  3. This sounds like an interesting plot but I feel like it needs to be tightened up a little. They’re a few important points but it seems like the dots need to be connected more cohesively. Best wishes 🙂

  4. I agree with all the suggestions on this so far. Even though I like the question technique, I have heard it’s the kiss of death in a query. The last paragraph dragged for me & I felt like that’s where it needed the most tightening. I love the story premise though . . . I know I’ve said that on like every query, but it’s true!!

  5. I love angel books, but I have to admit that they can be a hard sale. A lot have been done, and some editors aren’t interested in acquiring more. I think you have some nice elements in your query, but you may want to condense this a little bit, so the pacing can mimic (hopefully) your novel. Sounds like there is great tension here and the makings of a nice romance.

  6. I do like the way this query starts, but then you use a question. So rephrase that to be a statement instead. Also, put all the housekeeping (word count, genre) at the end and just dive right into the story in a linear fashion so it’s easy to follow.

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